One day left
. . . . .

I've only got one day left before I have to go back to work -- I had the past 2 weeks off.

And what did I do with my time off?

Pretty much nothing. Nothing special at all. I wanted to... but my motivation for even that has vanished.

The older I get... the more I am slowly giving up, on everything.

I'm starting to realize that probably the best (or at least, the most exciting/interesting) time of my life is over. Nothing much to look forward to anymore but the grave.

Seems like NOTHING is interesting anymore. Music, movies, art -- NOTHING really blows me away or amazes me like it used to. Is it just ME? Or is it just that everything truly IS more fucking BORING?

Also, the creative fire that started burning in me when I started making stuff in SL is dying out. Another dead end. What the fuck do you do with yourself when you start realizing that the dream you once had is flickering out? Where do I go from here?

It's not that I don't have the talent for it. I just have NO AMBITION. NO MOTIVATION. I wish I could buy it at a store, because
I
DON'T
KNOW
HOW
THE
FUCK
TO
GET
IT.

Each day blurs into the next -- and I am --

--still miserable at my job.
--still starved for something new and mentally stimulating to do: school, etc.
--still behind on all my bills and will probably have shitty credit forever.
--still unfulfilled as an artist.
--realizing I will probably be alone forever and never get laid for the rest of my pathetic existence. [At this point in my life, I don't even WANT any kind of relationship, not to mention that my sex drive is DEAD as a doornail]
--realizing that trying to go back to therapy is pointless and futile, yet I am still miserable, still hate life, and still hate myself.

And what the fuck do I do about it? NOTHING. Part of me is in agony over all of this, and part of me... just doesn't CARE.

I spend my time sitting in front of the computer doing bullshit, time-killing stuff. I don't keep up with the chores I assign to myself, I barely ever finish/follow up on projects or ideas... christ, I can't even manage to have a decent VACATION because I sleep til 1 or 2 p.m. every fucking day, therefore making it too late to take a day trip.

I wouldn't have needed to go somewhere EVERY day during my time off; but a little variety from doing the same shit I do DAILY would have been nice. But I just didn't have the motivation to go out and DO anything.

I also think I am becoming a bit agoraphobic, too -- which is probably part of the reason I don't feel like doing anything, EVER. Ever since L got rear-ended last December (I was w/ her at the time), I have been mildly terrified to ride for very long or very far in the car. I don't know why the fuck I get so SCARRED by these stupid instances in my life. I didn't even get HURT, and neither did she. What the fuck is wrong with me!?! Why can't I just get OVER shit like this?? I have been like that ever since I've been ALIVE.

I don't really believe in anything anymore, either. When I was a little kid, I still had a firm belief in God, blah blah blah. As I grew up, I completely abandoned the faith I was raised in (Catholicism), yet I still believed in God. Now I don't know what the fuck to believe anymore; I could probably be considered a pessimistic agnostic. I don't completely dismiss the possibility that God/etc. exists, but I basically feel that I am alone in this universe, that there is nobody "up there" who gives a fuck what happens to me, and that when I die, I'll just be switched off like a light. I am an insignificant speck of a speck of an atom of dust in this universe and my life ultimately means nothing.

I am alone, terrified, and hopeless. I am so fucking depressed right now that I feel sick to my stomach.

. . . . .